Archive for the ‘Ufoja Lahdessa’ Category

LEMONHEAD (INTRUS EN FRANCE)

March 25, 2009

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LEMONHEAD. ALIEN IN FRANCE

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INTRUS EN FRANCE

March 25, 2009

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1. Piip!! Piip!! 2. Come to Montreuil book fair. / Ok. I just pack my suitcase.

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1. I’ll also need to clip my toenails and wear an old pair of shoes that don’t abrade my toes or give me blisters. 2. Furthermore, Graterwoman will pull out the hairs that grow between my eyes.

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1. Have a good trip, darling. / Remember to be careful.

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1. Bye-bye! 2. Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro!

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2. So much for luxury. / The single hotel room is tiny. The bedside lamp doesn’t work, so one must get used to the mood lighting created by a single ceiling lamp.

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1. The toilet seat is broken. When you sit on it, the seat starts to move around, searching for it’s proper place. Additionally, the wall is so close to the toilet bowl that only a child or a midget could sit on it facing forward. And me of course. A full grown adult could never sit there without turning sideways. 2. It’s a run-down room, but the shower is in praiseworthy condition. The shower nozzle doesn’t just hang limp from the holder on the wall and so going to the shower is an effortless activity. / The room is cold and the blanket on the bed is thin. One must wear a shirt and sweatpants or long johns when sleeping.

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1. The room is on the sixth floor and the elevator doesn’t go higher than the fifth. From there you can view the rooftops of the neighboring houses. / The hotel is located on a quiet little street, but not far from the big main streets. You can walk to the center of Paris in half an hour and there’s a metro station hundred meters from the hotel. 2. The noise of the traffic doesn’t reach the hotel room, but the almost constant wailing of an infant next door does. The mother or nanny tries to calm the baby by singing. It sounds rather nice even though the singing isn’t that skillful. / Luckily the infant keeps quiet at night. The crying stops at nine in the evening and starts again around six in the morning. If one is looking for a good nights rest, one should schedule one’s sleeping between nine p.m. and six a.m.

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1. The breakfast is served between seven thirty and nine thirty. One’s food portion is brought to the table. You get a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate. I usually take tea or cocoa. I never drink coffee. / You also get a small container of jelly, a piece of baguette and butter, a croissant and a glass of juice. 2. It is stated with bold lettering on the hotel entrance that the hotel has internet, which means that one can quickly check one’s emails on the old computer at the front desk. / There’s no internet connection in the rooms.

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1. Pardon. / The cleaning lady has just barged in without knocking. 2. I memorized the number of my room in French. The concierge always had an unfriendly expression on his face as he handed me my room key after I said  my routine Bonsuur sixty three. / Now as I return to the hotel I say… / Bonsuur. / Bonsoir. / Suasant trua. / Soixante-trois. / Kvii. Mersi. / And the service is fine and friendly.

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1.Earlier that day I finally had a glimpse of the mother of the screaming baby in the room next to mine. A young oriental girl wearing a tight gym suit. / And in the metro I saw a man who had attached huge rhubarb leaves on both sides of his cap. On this trip I have also seen, for the fist time in my life, a Jew wearing a black suit, a hat, a beard and long locks of hair hanging beside the ears. 2. Should I also tell you about the elevator? On the first day here when I wanted to go up to my room, I pressed the button next to the elevator that had an arrow pointing upwards. Naturally, I wanted to get upstairs. / There were no signs that the elevator was moving nor did the button light up. I didn’t hear any sounds, but still I imagined that the elevator was coming. What else could have I done? After standing there for a while waiting for the elevator, the doorman ran to my rescue and pressed the button with an arrow pointing down and the elevator came.

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1. The French have a bizarre way of doing things just the opposite everybody else does. For example the doors open inwards, which isn’t very practical in case of a fire, and text is printed backwards on the spine of a book. The traffic at least is on the right hand side and Citroen the only car I can imagine myself buying. Of the types of cars I can afford, at least. 

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1. Paris is said to be the capital of love. I just can’t see Paris as a romantic place. It’s cold, damp, dirty and noisy. The traffic seems to be on fast forward at all times. Nowhere else can you see couples kissing openly on the street as often as in Paris. / These awkward exhibitions of love seem pretentious to me. People have seen actors loving in Paris or read from books how to fall in love in Paris. / I myself prefer to take my woman against a sturdy pine tree in a forest and bathe afterwards in the cool water of a lake instead of making out on a bridge in the middle of a crowd of tourists.

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1. This morning I woke up at six even though the infant next door wasn’t crying. I had become accustomed to waking up at that time every day. / After a while the baby started to sing! 2. I have worn the same pair of underpants for two days. I had planned to do my laundry today so I went to the laundrette next to the hotel, but there was nobody there. An empty room full of washing machines with all the instructions in French only.

UFOJA LAHDESSA 2/4

March 15, 2009

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ISBN 978-952-67102-2-8 (english translation included)

MUUKALAINEN LEHDENJAKAJANA

March 15, 2009

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DOING THE ROUNDS

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1. After the first night I dreamt only of delivering papers. In the dream I had to raise a flag up a pole in front of a house as a sign that the paper had been delivered. The hook for the flag was in the middle of the pole, so I had to climb a ladder to attach the flag string to the hook. / The first night I started my delivery rounds from this house. I somehow managed to turn the key in a way that it broke inside the lock and I had to go get a new one from the night duty officer.

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1. At this crossroads I was passed by three rabbits. 2. From that stairway I heard a woman crying out. First I thought she was in some sort of predicament, but soon the sound became a rhythmic moaning.

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1. That gate over there is usually shut. One night though, it was open. On the asphalt lay an unlocked bicycle and on the stairs was a puddle of vomit. There was vomit inside the stairway as well.

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1. Every sunday someone came and stole the newspaper from that doorway over there. The mail slot is so big you can easily stick your hand through it.

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1. One time as I was coming down that stairway over there, a door to an apartment was wide open on the third floor. There was no movement to be seen in the lightless flat and no sounds to be heard either. It was as if instead of a door, there was a black hole on the wall leading to another dimension. This strange experience was in it’s own way pretty scary.

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1. Here a bearded man was chasing two younger fellows with a knife. 2. There, just around the corner, a man climbed in my car and just sat on the front seat. I did my rounds by car, you see. He wanted a lift home. After I had declined, he asked for money. I refused to give him any, but offered a leftover copy of Helsingin Sanomat instead. He wasn’t interested in the paper.

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1. After two weeks of work I remembered by name every person I delivered newspapers to. Where they lived and what newspapers they subscibed to. Hundreds of names and addresses! I could also identify by looks only every key on my bundle of keys which consisted of tens of different keys to different houses. I couldn’t help but wonder how much useful information all this useless data had overriden in my brain. / The people I met in the night time where usually somewhat amused by the fact that they got home the same time the newspaper was delivered. Many of them came to chat with me and bid me good night. When I walk on the street by day, nobody ever comes to me and bids me good day.

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1. I became a paperboy because we needed extra income. The pay wasn’t good, but it was better than nothing. I also imagined that I would experience adventures of which many amusing tales could be told afterwards. It was nothing like that. No adventures where forthcoming and I knew right after the first night of touring empty stairways that after my employment contract had expired, I would not continue on the job.

TOHTORI OUTOTAUTI (2)

March 15, 2009

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DR. STRANGEDISEASE (Marko Turunen & Hans Nissen)

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2. I wonder what that is?

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1. Dear UPS. / I tried to call you at your service number, but got tired of listening to elevator music. Now I’ll try my luck with e-mail instead. / I was going out for my usual evening walk and noticed a strange note in a puddle next to our house. I picked it up and saw that it was a message from you.  It read UPS infonotice. 2. As I cleaned the piece of paper of mud, I learned that your people had tried to deliver a package to me at 15.05, but without success. / As I had been at home all day until before mentioned evening walk and as the note was in a puddle in front of our apartment house, I deduced that your employee had tried to enter through the front door which is always locked and given up after a while of ferocious and futile pulling of the door handle. / I wish to inform you that here in Tampere door buzzers are usually located at the courtyard. Our house is no exception.

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1. As I don’t have the time to stand at the front of our house all day in hopes of catching your courier in the act of trying to get through the locked front door, I hereby wish to inform you with this e-mail what I have just written above, that the buzzer is located on the other side of the house. / By pressing that wondrous button of communications, you can get in touch with me much easier than leaving obscure messages in the puddle of mud in front of our house. / On the other hand, if those 50 meters from the front door to the back door are too long a distance, I can come down and open the front door if you just call me on my cell phone. 2. If this message for some reason doesn’t reach you, I can also print it out and leave it in a puddle of mud next to your Tampere office. / With best regards, looking forward to the arrival of my package, Doctor Strangedisease.

TOHTORI OUTOTAUTI (1)

March 15, 2009

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DR. STRANGEDISEASE (Marko Turunen & Hans Nissen) 

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1. First signs of illness came in 2003. My throat was bright red and swollen. Fever rose and fell. This went on for several days after which I felt healthy for a week. Then the symptoms returned. / The cycle of throat inflammation and temporal recovery went on regularly like the ticking of a clock for six months until I noticed that also my big toe had swollen. In one night it had ballooned into unnatural proportions. It’s nail had disappeared into a mass of dark red swollen meat. 2. I limped to the emergency room and got myself some antibiotics. In a couple of days the toe went back to normal, but the rest of my body itched like hell. Back at the emergency room they figured I was hypersensitive to the medication. I got a shot of remedy in my left buttock and a new prescription. / The itching went away pretty soon and the toe was healed, but the inflammation in my throat stayed the same. I noticed that the best way to alleviate the pain in my throat was eating tomato slices warmed in the oven. It was pure delight as they went slowly down my throat relieving the almost constant discomfort in the process.

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1. Then my back tooth started to ache. I went to the dentist. She put in a filling and tested my geographic tongue for fungus, because just recently my mouth had started to look like it had been mangled by leprosy. / The pain in my tooth got worse. I couldn’t stay in any horizontal position. I tried to sleep sitting up in various odd positions, but it was of no use. At the emergency room they gave me strong painkillers, which had no effect on my toothache whatsoever. 2. Next time at the dentist my back tooth was announced a lost cause. After root canal the pain went away but came back soon. The dentist figured that while I had slept, I had not only grinded my back tooth to the state of necrosis, but also the one next to it. I got root canal on the other tooth as well. / Once again the relief was only temporary. The pain came back in a couple of days. Both of my back teeth were opened after which the dentist made a strange discovery. One of the teeth had a hidden root!

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1. Then we moved to Tampere, because my wife went to study there. I felt much better, but still had occasional fevers and felt a light itch all over my body. I decided to improve my general health and headed to the running course in the woods. The result: Stress fracture of the lower leg and jock itch. / Because of my itching I got a referral to see a specialist at the central hospital. I was tested for all imaginable allergies and oversensitivities. Nothing out of the ordinary was found. A Polish specialist who spoke very poor Finnish diagnosed me having “possibly hives” and advised me to eat a lot of antihistamines. 2. Right after we moved I started to feel a strange sensation in my groin. I first thought I was suffering from constipation and sat at the toilet for hours grunting away but the pain in my lower abdomen kept on getting worse. Finally in the night time, I staggered to the emergency room again. / What had become inflamed this time was my prostate. After receiving suppository of anesthetic, I felt much better almost immediately. / Then I got lower back pain. I couldn’t lay on my back at all and even as I sat, there was an annoying throb at the bottom of the spine. A handful of painkillers helped a little and three days later the ailment was gone completely.

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1. A week went by. The pain returned as a slightly milder ache that traveled up and down my spine. I went to see a doctor who told me that a pain in the back was a common problem that usually wasn’t anything to worry about. I should return to the hospital in case I started shitting my pants. I was sent to see a chiropractor and was told to eat anti-inflammatory medication. I downed several pills of ibuprofen every day. The pain didn’t seem to be affected by the medication but it sure did irritate my stomach. / At the chiropractor’s I learned that my right collarbone that had fractured while sledding when I was I a child, had not been pulled back into place and because of this I had grown lopsided. This might explain my pains or then again not. During the following month I was treated three times by the chiropractor. Independently I tried Pilates and exercising the deep muscles of the stomach, but pain stayed the same. 2. Then I got a pain in my stomach. I tried taking heartburn medication, but it was of no use. The following day I went to see a doctor, who pressed some key points on my stomach and ran a series of blood tests. I was sent home with medication for stomach ulcer. The pills helped temporarily, but soon the pain was back twice as bad and fever started to rise. / Now I wake up every morning shaking with cold chills. The pain in my lower back bothers me with even worse pangs of unnatural pain along the spine and excess air burns my stomach all the time. Now the left side of my face is almost completely numb and none of my veins show through my skin at all.

51 VIESTIÄ

March 15, 2009

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51 MESSAGES

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1. A bigger cock is always better. / Get a bigger dick this month. / A bigger penis means more pleasure. / I have been dating a fabulous man. We have so much in common and everything’s wonderful. Our problem is the intercourse. I can’t feel his penis inside me. / Newsflash. All the most sensitive parts of women are at your reach with a bigger penis. / Now I have a much bigger one. I could be a porn star. / I have a really big one now thanks to these pills. 2. Get a bigger penis fast and easy. / It’s amazing! Now every woman wants to have sex with me. / I am more than satisfied with the results of the pills I’m using. / Hi there! Shoot your seed endlessly and empty your sacks like a cannon! / You’ll never feel insecure with the ladies again. / Stand out from the crowd and get yourself a bigger penis. / Wow!! I never knew my schlong could grow to be so huge.

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1. A bigger penis will increase your self-confidence tenfold. / I am now the most self-confident person in the world. / Do women really care about the size of your penis? The answer is yes. / It’s a fact: Girls fancy men with big dicks. / A limp noodle is not an inconvenience only to yourself. It fails to arouse your partner and doesn’t look very good. / Manage your daily chores with an enormous penis. / Penis size is one of the biggest worries of men today. 2. My wife complains constantly about my small penis. / Women. Here’s the best present you can give your man. Porn stars all around the world are already using it. / His penis wasn’t big enough to reach the most sensitive parts of my vagina. / Yes sir. Sex feels much better now that I have a bigger one. / If you don’t believe me, check out these images of my penis. / Come see my huge sausage. I get all the ladies I want with this beast of a penis. / If I had a bigger one, I would be in a circus.

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1. What’s up? Yes sir, intercourse feels much better now. / My hard-on is huge thanks to these guys. / African tribes use these herbs all the time. That’s why they have such big dicks. / Women love a man with a big penis. Get yours now! / Thanks to advances in modern technology, it’s possible to enlarge your penis without expensive operations. / Now women don’t laugh at me. Ha ha. I laugh at them. / I’ll never feel ashamed in the public lavatory again. I just pop it out. 2. Forget small talk. Just show them your penis. / You work too much and your virility decreases. Your strength will return with Viagra soft tabs. / No other product can improve a man’s health so naturally and effectively. Wonder Cum is a fabulous mixture of herbs that are known to increase sperm count and prevent impotence. It contains soothing anti-stress herbs and intensifies sexual appetite and arousal. / Change the size of your penis risk-free.

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1. Does your girlfriend like to get a load of semen on her face? Squirt such huge amounts that she can gargle sperm. / A brilliant way to enhance your penis size at home. / No more fast action. Last longer in bed! / I had no girlfriend prior to my enlargement. Now I have three at the same time! / Majority of women enjoy a bigger penis. / We all love sex. I love sex now even more after eating penis pills for six months. 2. Hey stupid! How long will it be till you start enlarging your penis? / My girlfriend is complaining that it’s difficult to suck my dick now that it’s so huge. / No need for a magnifying glass now that you have such a big penis! / The seven added centimeters on my penis have really made my life easier. / No more tension between the sheets when you have a big and strong penis. / Order today. You’ll get the pills next week. Your new penis will be ready in a month.

ALIEN, SAILOR OCH PEKKA

March 15, 2009

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1. 24.38 euros. / Sailor och Pekka is a bargain at the The Academic Bookstore in Helsinki. 2. I would like to buy Sailor och Pekka trilogi, please. / I’ll check the computer.

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1. We don’t have it in stock at the moment, but I can order a copy for you. You can also order it yourself in the internet. / Is there a difference between these options? / No. I’ll just fill in these forms and make the order. 2. Thanks.

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1. Two weeks later. / Sailor och Pekka! 2. What’s this? / 43.50 euros! / I’ll call the bookstore.

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1. I received my copy of Sailor och Pekka trilogi today and it was supposed to cost 24.38 euros but the invoice including postage is 43.50 euros! No postage can be that much. / 24.38 if I order through the internet? But the salesperson said… 2. I can send the book back and order it again in the internet? Can’t you just refund me the difference so we wouldn’t have to send the book back and forth? / No? / But it would be absurd to send the book back to Helsinki and order it again. / Alright. I’ll send the book as soon as possible.

INFERNO

March 15, 2009

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INFERNO

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1. Have you seen Alien? / Last week he borrowed The Whole Story cd by Kate Bush from me and I want it back. 2. I lent him a chainsaw but I need it myself. / I am looking for him too. Alien promised to give me a hand with the housework. I need him to vacuum the apartment, fold some clothes, sweep the dust, take out the garbage, air the bedding, do the laundry and cook salmon soup. / I´ll call him.

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1. Alien, come home! 2. Come at once! / I want my cd back! / And I want my chainsaw! / It´s terribly cold out here but I don´t have the courage to go home.

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1. Why are you hiding in the woods? 2. I don´t dare to go home. / It´s too hot where I live. / Really? Want to trade places?

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1. I´ve always wanted to live in an apartment house. 2. Here are the keys.

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1. Soon. / You look exactly like me. Nobody will suspect a thing. / Likewise. 2. A moment later. / So there you are Alien. Everybody´s been looking for you.

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1. Meanwhile elsewhere. / Ah, it´s so warm! 2. This is child´s play.

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1. I’m having a blast! 2. I really do enjoy cooking.

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1. While the salmon soup is cooking, I´ll have time to air the bedding. 2. Snif. / Snif. / Strange odor.

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1. The soup is burning and I am starving! 2. Ring! / Someone´s at the door.

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1. I came for my chainsaw. / Oh. Sorry I forgot about it. / Wait a sec. 2. I wonder where I keep it. / Have you lost your memory? You look strange.

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1. There. 2. Alien! / Give me back that Kate Bush cd I lent you! / Certainly.

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1. The Devil hasn´t had time to listen to the record so he wouldn´t like to give it back just yet. / It would have been better if you´d come tomorrow. 2. The Garbage! / In a minute! Now I´m busy!

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1. This is unbearable! / Being Alien isn´t fun at all! The windows are drafty and the radiator in the toilet is cold. / I am fed up with this! 2. I´ll try to persuade Alien to change back.

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1. Alien has had enough also. Life in Hell is weary. 2. Such a relief to get back home.

PUMP UP THE JAM

March 15, 2009

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PUMP UP THE JAM (Marko Turunen & Annemari Hietanen)

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1. There was a disco and alcohol was served. 2. Two girls were interested in me but I wasn´t attracted to them. I tried to be friendly though.

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1. My favourite of the classic chocolate bars is DaCapo, followed by Pätkis and Jim. Suffeli is also nice. / DaCapo is a musical term and means repetition. I was on music class. I played the violin and tap-danced. 2. I noticed that Alien was watching another girl.

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1. I bet she was a drug addict. 2. How can Alien be so stupid?! / I got upset.

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1. Although I only used my left hand, the girl was unable to defend herself.

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2. Alien understood instantly how much he loves me and how his life would be empty and meaningless without me. / That´s what happened.