PALAVA PENSAS

BURNING BUSH: The broken television (God TV is the best!)

 

1. Oops! / The team of workers who renovated my balcony seem to have scratched the TV screen as they carried their stuff out earlier. 2. Hello! Your workmen have made a nasty-looking mark on my TV screen. / You can’t prove it. We won’t pay for the damage.

 

1. Does the warranty cover this kind of damage? / No. 2. Can the TV screen be fixed? / Probably, but it will cost at least as much as a new TV. / Could you please come and see if the TV could be repaired?

 

1. Is there anything you can do? 2. Yes. / Scratch! Scratch! / It’s just candle wax.

 

1. Now I remember. Last night I had a candle burning next to the television. / The candle just wouldn’t go out no matter how hard I blew. / That’s funny. 2. 40 euros.

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UFOJA LAHDESSA 3/4

on lisätty Daadakaupan valikoimiin. Lehteä saa tilattua tietysti myös kustantajan verkkokaupasta sekä piakkoin varmasti muistakin alan erikoisliikkeistä.

Ensi lauantaina, 6.6.2009 kello 14.30-15.00  on mahdollisuus päästä selaamaan uunituoretta lehteä ja saada piirustus sekä signeeraus omaan kappaleeseen. Paikka on Sarjakuvakeskus  ja Pitkänmiehen kauppa. Osoite on Kolmas linja 17 ja Helsinki. Paikalle saa tulla muutenkin.

EREKTIOSTA VOI PUHUA

DON´T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT ERECTION

1. Your erection was very good yesterday. 2. Thanks.

 

 

 

1. Alien. / I’ve been thinking. / We should have a baby and start a family. / Alright. / What kind of baby would you like? / A small one. 2. How many kids are we going to have? / Two or three. Four is too many. One girl and one boy at least. If we’ll have only one, it should be a girl. Girls are easier. / Oh?

1. If we can’t have a baby of our own, we’ll adopt. If we’ll adopt a child, it could be a little bit older. One that can already walk. If we can’t adopt, then we can get a dog. A short-haired Chihuahua. But I’d rather have a child than any pet. / We could also buy our own house. / Have you won the lottery? We don’t have any money. 2. Aw! / You can dream, can’t you! / A house of our own in a beautiful spot by the lake. The kind of house that we wouldn’t have a need for a summer cottage. / The house needn’t be that big. I used to think that a single-story house would be best. / I saw this movie on tv once. The killer was hiding upstairs and phoned downstairs. Now that I have gotten over it, a two-story house seems like the top choice.

1. The house should have a huge living room, dining room, sauna and a balcony. A big bedroom with plenty of space to lounge about. A nice little yard where one can cook in the summertime. And a separate wood-heated sauna by the lake. / And a library room, of course. And Yki Nummi’s lamps, Kukkapuro’s Carousel chair and Aarnio’s Pony. 2. We should also buy a new car. / I want a vintage Citroen BX GTI or XM V6. / Those are both ugly, too big and burn an awful lot of fuel. / C4 is better.

ALIEN-MAN

THE AMAZING ALIEN-MAN (Don’t miss this one! Exciting adventures await you!

7 action-packed pages!!!)

 

1. Stop following me! 2. You hear me? 3. Aagr!

2. I hate you! / I know. 3. Aagr!

2. Bon Voyage! 3. Splash!

1. Uh. Where am I?

1. Two hours later. 2. Did you take a bath with your clothes on? / How did you guess?

UFOJA LAHDESSA 3/4

  

ISBN 978-952-67008-2-3 (english translation included)

 

Sarja on siirtynyt Daadalta Kreegah Bundolon suojiin ja Ufoja Lahdessa 3/4 ilmestyy kesäkuussa. Tulevassa numerossa Muukalainen mm. uneksii elämästä supersankarina, miettii perheen perustamista ja näkee nälkää. Mukana on myös Palava Pensas yhden tarinan mitallla ja tietysti Ufo-kerhopalsta.

JOULUPARAATI

ALIEN AND GRATERWOMAN PRESENTS: CHRISTMAS PARADE (Open it. Santa likes to watch. / Special guest star: Burning bush) 

 

 

 

 

1. Alien’s mother, Burning bush, is visiting Lahti. Alien and Graterwoman company her to the Christmas church service.

1. The Christmas play, performed by young believers at Church of the cross, doesn’t quite live up to expectations. / I couldn’t make out any of the dialogue and the feel of it was far from pious. 2. The ceremony at Mukkula is much closer to Burning Bush’s idea of a Christmas church service. / When we get home, we have to sanitize our hands. We have shaken hands with two congregations.

1. Look. There’s mud from our shoes on the carpet. / What’s Graterwoman going to say now? / Help! 2. Let’s just move Graterwoman’s own shoes over the puddle of mud.

1. All things happening in the world today are foretold in the bible. Thus the bible must be true. / When I flew to Israel, I wanted to return to Finland from Brussels by bus or by train. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to go back inside the airplane. / My friends persuaded me to continue on our journey. When I returned to my seat, I felt this compulsion to laugh. I couldn’t stop laughing. 2. The person sitting next to me urged me to laugh more quietly, but the laughter was beyond my control. / At first everybody was amazed, but eventually all the other passengers, Jews, priests and tourists, laughed along with me. / I laughed for four straight days when I got to Israel. / And your friends did nothing? / What? There’s noting you can do if the holy spirit touches you.

1. Then I got a heart attack. At the airport I went through a metal detector even though I have a pacemaker. I had a doctor’s certificate with me, but it was in Finnish so they couldn’t understand any of it. / I brought you a piece of holy land as a souvenir. / Thanks. 2. I also took pictures of it. / Pictures of sand.

JOULUKINKKU VILLIN LÄNNENMIEHEN TAPAAN

CHRISTMAS HAM Á LA WILD MAN OF THE WEST

1. First you borrow a car from a secluded parking lot. I wouldn’t advice on using your own car, because the transportation of the ham can be messy business. A pig that’s covered in blood and filth will leave a nasty stain on the back seat. You can of course cover the seats with plastic, but my way is easier. A SUV with four wheel drive is a handy choice of a car, because you minimize the risk of getting stuck in snow. 2. You should set out at night when there isn’t much traffic. It’s advisable to check out the pick up place of the pig beforehand in the fall. Look for a place that’s near the road. / It would be ideal if there were a slope between the road and the farm to help you approach the place unseen.

 

 

 

 

 

1. As you reach your destination make sure that there’s nobody about and that both the pig house and rest of the farm have lights out. / The biggest pig is a poor choice. Remember that you’ll have to carry the carcass to the car. A sled can come in handy at this point. / You should also keep in mind that the pig house stinks. Refrain from commenting the stench out loud. The smell is likely to cling to your clothes so it’s better to leave your favourite gear at home.

1. The pig should be put to death with a knife. A firearm makes too much noise. Butcher’s gloves are recommended for a beginner. The pig can put up quite a struggle, so there’s always the possibility of cutting yourself in the hand. Metal gloves can be freezing in the wintertime, so wear woolen gloves with them.

1. Many farmers also own forest land, so you can get yourself a Christmas tree on the same trip. It too should be checked out in advance. My advice is to cut down the tree with a small handsaw before going to collect the ham. This way the tree is ready and waiting when you are leaving the farm. 2. A forest-grown spruce is a whole different matter than those fluffy cultured Christmas trees! In Finland the model for the Christmas tree was taken from Donald Duck comics of the 50’s and from Christmas parade and that Disney Christmas special, in which Pluto chases after those little squirrels and Mickey gets mad when he sees the mess. / I can’t stand that goddamn mutt!

1. When you have managed to get the lifeless pig back to your place, you get rid of the car. You burn it either by the edge of the forest or at a parking lot. / After the blood is drained, you cut an eight kilo piece from the pig. That’s the biggest slab of meat you can fit in our oven.

1. For the first hour you cook the meat in 200 degrees and after that in a little over a hundred. When the meat cooking thermometer shows that the inside temperature of the ham is 77 to 80 degrees, then the meat is well done. If blood or other red fluid comes out as you take out the thermometer, then the meat is still rare. The fluid is supposed to be clear. / After eight hours in the oven, when the meat is well done, the skin is peeled off. Then you spread mustard all over the ham, cover it with breadcrumbs and stick it full of cloves.

1. Finally you put the meat back into the 250 degree oven and leave it there till the crumbs form a crisp brown crust. 2. Hmm… / Sure is good!

VILLI LÄNNENMIES

WILD MAN OF THE WEST. Pokemon eggs – 40% 

1. Use a turn signal! 2. It’s none of your business where I’m going, you homo! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Outta my way! / I´m on my way to buy Pokemon eggs. 2. Yay! I got Pikachu!

1. But… What the devil?! Sure is poorly made. Pikachu shouldn’t have ears like that. / This one also has a collar and the tail is all wrong. Looks like some bootleg rip-off to me. / And I immediately got two of these. / What a disappointment! 2. It seems the other figures are designed much better.

1. Hey, now I got another Pikachu and it looks just the way it should! / Aha! The ones I got earlier weren’t Pikachus after all. / Dammit! / Pikachu is so cool!! 2. I choose you Pikachu!

1. Agony! / I keep getting the same characters over and over again. 2. I’ve already got five of this retarded looking one! / Pikachu and Psyduck are the best! / I want Psyduck!

 

1. Now I got Psyduck! / What a relief. 2. Charmander.

1. I’m still four figures short of a complete collection. 2. Hooray! / At last! / Now I have them all!

2. I had to purchase 3,25 Pokemon eggs per every different figure in my collection. There were three eggs in every set, so to collect all the characters I had to buy 21,7 sets. / What to do with all those figures and eggs?

1. Eight and a half months later.

MUUKALAINEN VENÄJÄLLÄ

ALIEN IN RUSSIA

1. On our way back to Finland. / Nothing bad happened and I wasn’t frightened once. / To be honest, I had a really good time. 2. I feel strange.

1. I guess I passed out. 2. My hands are cold, my heart is pounding, cold sweat is dripping down my forehead and my ears are ringing. / Something´s wrong.

1. I’m not feeling too good. / I must find a bathroom. 2. 500 rubles!! / 500 rubles!!

1. This can’t be happening! Now I’m in the conductor’s cabin. 2. I am sorry. It´s not alcohol. It´s food I ate or something… / Hmph!

1. I feel really sick. / You really look like a corpse. I’ll call for help. 2. My friend is really ill! We have to do something! / I´ll call a doctor.

2. We are going to take you to hospital.

1. In Russia it can be more dangerous to go to a hospital than walk on the street. / I think I´ll manage back to Finland. I don´t feel so bad anymore. 2. You have to go to hospital right away when you are back home / I´ll do it. Thank you.

1. Now I’m vomiting gastric acids. I need fluids. / We are approaching the border. The restaurant car is closed. You’ll get something to drink when we are in Finland. / But that’s a couple of hours away. 2. I feel sick. / You have to go back to your seat. We are near border.

1. I feel sick. 2. You have to return to your place! / Now!! / I can´t. / You must!

1. I feel sick. I feel sick. 

2. Passport inspection! / I´m vomiting!

1. This is the first time my passport is inspected while in a toilet.

2. Thank god.

1. Home at last. 2. No suntan, I see.

MUUKALAINEN VENÄJÄLLÄ (PROLOGI)

ALIEN IN RUSSIA. PROLOGUE

1. Health risks, security problems, robberies, assassinations, the mafia, corruption, the arbitrariness… / The militia can take your passport and you won’t get it back without paying. / You can’t trust the Russian people. They have no manners and they are all dishonest. / Everything is miserable in Russia. All the women are prostitutes and everybody is boozing all the time. / In Russia everything is filthy and depressing. Even the television programmes are in gray and brown tones. / Tap water is undrinkable. 2. The GSM lines aren’t secure, your phone calls are being listened to. / You should never answer the phone by stating your name and you should never give your address to anyone. / At the end of a taxi ride, you can find yourself beaten to a pulp, in an alleyway somewhere, without your luggage and things. / If you get sick or have an accident, you should immediately return to Finland and go to a doctor there. In Russia it can be more dangerous to go to a hospital than walk on the street. / St. Petersburg is ranked second most dangerous city in the world after Rio de Janeiro.

1. A friend of a friend told about his friend who had had an opportunity to see the Russian militia in action. / As he walked past a shed on the police station courtyard, the shed started to shake and growling was heard from within. / He was told that inside the shed was a riot dog. It was some sort of mongrel that had been beaten as a pup every time it was fed to make it hate all humans. / In a case of a riot policemen wearing multiple rubber suits took the bloodthirsty hound to the back of a van and drove it where the riot was taking place and turned it loose. The riot was soon over after the dog had mauled the nearest twenty people. / The friend of a friend of a friend asked how the militia got the dog back after it had done it’s job and the answer was brutal. The dog isn’t supposed to be collected afterwards, it is shot when the riot is over. These dogs are disposable. 2. The same person told a story about how the militia handled a hostage situation. / An apartment in a block of flats had been taken over by a group of criminals or terrorist who had several hostages. / The militia arrived and with a rolled-up bundle of paper started shouting up to the apartment that the criminals had only a little time to give up. IT was already on it’s way. Yet no hostages were released and nobody came out. / Soon a tank arrived to the scene. The militia pointed at the window of the flat. The tank aimed at the window and fired. Everybody in the apartment died. / The next day the newspaper reported how the militia had brilliantly solved a difficult hostage situation.

1. I worked for a short while in Russia in the 90’s. Next to our building site there was another site where a Russian team of workers were painting the roof of a big building. They had a couple of sticks nailed together and on top of the sticks they had taped a beard brush. With that contraption they painted the whole roof!! With a beard brush!! / One apartment had a toilet where the toilet bowl was placed so that one had to climb over it to get in. One sat at the bowl with one’s back to the door. The water tank was almost in contact with door when the door was closed. The bowl had been installed backwards, because if it had been there the other way round, the door wouldn’t shut and one sitting on the bowl would be partly sitting outside the toilet. 2. We camped in an old cargo ship. Only cold water came out of the shower and the shower room floor was so filthy you didn’t dare to wash up without putting on a pair of rubber boots.