TOHTORI OUTOTAUTI (1)

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DR. STRANGEDISEASE (Marko Turunen & Hans Nissen) 

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1. First signs of illness came in 2003. My throat was bright red and swollen. Fever rose and fell. This went on for several days after which I felt healthy for a week. Then the symptoms returned. / The cycle of throat inflammation and temporal recovery went on regularly like the ticking of a clock for six months until I noticed that also my big toe had swollen. In one night it had ballooned into unnatural proportions. It’s nail had disappeared into a mass of dark red swollen meat. 2. I limped to the emergency room and got myself some antibiotics. In a couple of days the toe went back to normal, but the rest of my body itched like hell. Back at the emergency room they figured I was hypersensitive to the medication. I got a shot of remedy in my left buttock and a new prescription. / The itching went away pretty soon and the toe was healed, but the inflammation in my throat stayed the same. I noticed that the best way to alleviate the pain in my throat was eating tomato slices warmed in the oven. It was pure delight as they went slowly down my throat relieving the almost constant discomfort in the process.

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1. Then my back tooth started to ache. I went to the dentist. She put in a filling and tested my geographic tongue for fungus, because just recently my mouth had started to look like it had been mangled by leprosy. / The pain in my tooth got worse. I couldn’t stay in any horizontal position. I tried to sleep sitting up in various odd positions, but it was of no use. At the emergency room they gave me strong painkillers, which had no effect on my toothache whatsoever. 2. Next time at the dentist my back tooth was announced a lost cause. After root canal the pain went away but came back soon. The dentist figured that while I had slept, I had not only grinded my back tooth to the state of necrosis, but also the one next to it. I got root canal on the other tooth as well. / Once again the relief was only temporary. The pain came back in a couple of days. Both of my back teeth were opened after which the dentist made a strange discovery. One of the teeth had a hidden root!

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1. Then we moved to Tampere, because my wife went to study there. I felt much better, but still had occasional fevers and felt a light itch all over my body. I decided to improve my general health and headed to the running course in the woods. The result: Stress fracture of the lower leg and jock itch. / Because of my itching I got a referral to see a specialist at the central hospital. I was tested for all imaginable allergies and oversensitivities. Nothing out of the ordinary was found. A Polish specialist who spoke very poor Finnish diagnosed me having “possibly hives” and advised me to eat a lot of antihistamines. 2. Right after we moved I started to feel a strange sensation in my groin. I first thought I was suffering from constipation and sat at the toilet for hours grunting away but the pain in my lower abdomen kept on getting worse. Finally in the night time, I staggered to the emergency room again. / What had become inflamed this time was my prostate. After receiving suppository of anesthetic, I felt much better almost immediately. / Then I got lower back pain. I couldn’t lay on my back at all and even as I sat, there was an annoying throb at the bottom of the spine. A handful of painkillers helped a little and three days later the ailment was gone completely.

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1. A week went by. The pain returned as a slightly milder ache that traveled up and down my spine. I went to see a doctor who told me that a pain in the back was a common problem that usually wasn’t anything to worry about. I should return to the hospital in case I started shitting my pants. I was sent to see a chiropractor and was told to eat anti-inflammatory medication. I downed several pills of ibuprofen every day. The pain didn’t seem to be affected by the medication but it sure did irritate my stomach. / At the chiropractor’s I learned that my right collarbone that had fractured while sledding when I was I a child, had not been pulled back into place and because of this I had grown lopsided. This might explain my pains or then again not. During the following month I was treated three times by the chiropractor. Independently I tried Pilates and exercising the deep muscles of the stomach, but pain stayed the same. 2. Then I got a pain in my stomach. I tried taking heartburn medication, but it was of no use. The following day I went to see a doctor, who pressed some key points on my stomach and ran a series of blood tests. I was sent home with medication for stomach ulcer. The pills helped temporarily, but soon the pain was back twice as bad and fever started to rise. / Now I wake up every morning shaking with cold chills. The pain in my lower back bothers me with even worse pangs of unnatural pain along the spine and excess air burns my stomach all the time. Now the left side of my face is almost completely numb and none of my veins show through my skin at all.

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