Archive for March, 2009

JOULUPARAATI

March 25, 2009

ufoja111

ALIEN AND GRATERWOMAN PRESENTS: CHRISTMAS PARADE (Open it. Santa likes to watch. / Special guest star: Burning bush) 

ufoja112

 

 

 

 

1. Alien’s mother, Burning bush, is visiting Lahti. Alien and Graterwoman company her to the Christmas church service.

ufoja113

1. The Christmas play, performed by young believers at Church of the cross, doesn’t quite live up to expectations. / I couldn’t make out any of the dialogue and the feel of it was far from pious. 2. The ceremony at Mukkula is much closer to Burning Bush’s idea of a Christmas church service. / When we get home, we have to sanitize our hands. We have shaken hands with two congregations.

ufoja1142

1. Look. There’s mud from our shoes on the carpet. / What’s Graterwoman going to say now? / Help! 2. Let’s just move Graterwoman’s own shoes over the puddle of mud.

ufoja115

1. All things happening in the world today are foretold in the bible. Thus the bible must be true. / When I flew to Israel, I wanted to return to Finland from Brussels by bus or by train. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to go back inside the airplane. / My friends persuaded me to continue on our journey. When I returned to my seat, I felt this compulsion to laugh. I couldn’t stop laughing. 2. The person sitting next to me urged me to laugh more quietly, but the laughter was beyond my control. / At first everybody was amazed, but eventually all the other passengers, Jews, priests and tourists, laughed along with me. / I laughed for four straight days when I got to Israel. / And your friends did nothing? / What? There’s noting you can do if the holy spirit touches you.

ufoja116

1. Then I got a heart attack. At the airport I went through a metal detector even though I have a pacemaker. I had a doctor’s certificate with me, but it was in Finnish so they couldn’t understand any of it. / I brought you a piece of holy land as a souvenir. / Thanks. 2. I also took pictures of it. / Pictures of sand.

Advertisements

JOULUKINKKU VILLIN LÄNNENMIEHEN TAPAAN

March 25, 2009

ufoja103

CHRISTMAS HAM Á LA WILD MAN OF THE WEST

ufoja104

1. First you borrow a car from a secluded parking lot. I wouldn’t advice on using your own car, because the transportation of the ham can be messy business. A pig that’s covered in blood and filth will leave a nasty stain on the back seat. You can of course cover the seats with plastic, but my way is easier. A SUV with four wheel drive is a handy choice of a car, because you minimize the risk of getting stuck in snow. 2. You should set out at night when there isn’t much traffic. It’s advisable to check out the pick up place of the pig beforehand in the fall. Look for a place that’s near the road. / It would be ideal if there were a slope between the road and the farm to help you approach the place unseen.

ufoja105

 

 

 

 

 

1. As you reach your destination make sure that there’s nobody about and that both the pig house and rest of the farm have lights out. / The biggest pig is a poor choice. Remember that you’ll have to carry the carcass to the car. A sled can come in handy at this point. / You should also keep in mind that the pig house stinks. Refrain from commenting the stench out loud. The smell is likely to cling to your clothes so it’s better to leave your favourite gear at home.

ufoja106

1. The pig should be put to death with a knife. A firearm makes too much noise. Butcher’s gloves are recommended for a beginner. The pig can put up quite a struggle, so there’s always the possibility of cutting yourself in the hand. Metal gloves can be freezing in the wintertime, so wear woolen gloves with them.

ufoja107

1. Many farmers also own forest land, so you can get yourself a Christmas tree on the same trip. It too should be checked out in advance. My advice is to cut down the tree with a small handsaw before going to collect the ham. This way the tree is ready and waiting when you are leaving the farm. 2. A forest-grown spruce is a whole different matter than those fluffy cultured Christmas trees! In Finland the model for the Christmas tree was taken from Donald Duck comics of the 50’s and from Christmas parade and that Disney Christmas special, in which Pluto chases after those little squirrels and Mickey gets mad when he sees the mess. / I can’t stand that goddamn mutt!

ufoja108

1. When you have managed to get the lifeless pig back to your place, you get rid of the car. You burn it either by the edge of the forest or at a parking lot. / After the blood is drained, you cut an eight kilo piece from the pig. That’s the biggest slab of meat you can fit in our oven.

ufoja109

1. For the first hour you cook the meat in 200 degrees and after that in a little over a hundred. When the meat cooking thermometer shows that the inside temperature of the ham is 77 to 80 degrees, then the meat is well done. If blood or other red fluid comes out as you take out the thermometer, then the meat is still rare. The fluid is supposed to be clear. / After eight hours in the oven, when the meat is well done, the skin is peeled off. Then you spread mustard all over the ham, cover it with breadcrumbs and stick it full of cloves.

ufoja110

1. Finally you put the meat back into the 250 degree oven and leave it there till the crumbs form a crisp brown crust. 2. Hmm… / Sure is good!

VILLI LÄNNENMIES

March 25, 2009

ufoja093

WILD MAN OF THE WEST. Pokemon eggs – 40% 

ufoja094

1. Use a turn signal! 2. It’s none of your business where I’m going, you homo! 

ufoja095

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Outta my way! / I´m on my way to buy Pokemon eggs. 2. Yay! I got Pikachu!

ufoja096

1. But… What the devil?! Sure is poorly made. Pikachu shouldn’t have ears like that. / This one also has a collar and the tail is all wrong. Looks like some bootleg rip-off to me. / And I immediately got two of these. / What a disappointment! 2. It seems the other figures are designed much better.

ufoja097

1. Hey, now I got another Pikachu and it looks just the way it should! / Aha! The ones I got earlier weren’t Pikachus after all. / Dammit! / Pikachu is so cool!! 2. I choose you Pikachu!

ufoja0982

1. Agony! / I keep getting the same characters over and over again. 2. I’ve already got five of this retarded looking one! / Pikachu and Psyduck are the best! / I want Psyduck!

 

ufoja099

1. Now I got Psyduck! / What a relief. 2. Charmander.

ufoja100

1. I’m still four figures short of a complete collection. 2. Hooray! / At last! / Now I have them all!

ufoja101

2. I had to purchase 3,25 Pokemon eggs per every different figure in my collection. There were three eggs in every set, so to collect all the characters I had to buy 21,7 sets. / What to do with all those figures and eggs?

ufoja102

1. Eight and a half months later.

MUUKALAINEN VENÄJÄLLÄ

March 25, 2009

ufoja075

ALIEN IN RUSSIA

ufoja076

1. On our way back to Finland. / Nothing bad happened and I wasn’t frightened once. / To be honest, I had a really good time. 2. I feel strange.

ufoja077

ufoja078

1. I guess I passed out. 2. My hands are cold, my heart is pounding, cold sweat is dripping down my forehead and my ears are ringing. / Something´s wrong.

ufoja079

1. I’m not feeling too good. / I must find a bathroom. 2. 500 rubles!! / 500 rubles!!

ufoja080

1. This can’t be happening! Now I’m in the conductor’s cabin. 2. I am sorry. It´s not alcohol. It´s food I ate or something… / Hmph!

ufoja081

1. I feel really sick. / You really look like a corpse. I’ll call for help. 2. My friend is really ill! We have to do something! / I´ll call a doctor.

ufoja082

2. We are going to take you to hospital.

ufoja083

1. In Russia it can be more dangerous to go to a hospital than walk on the street. / I think I´ll manage back to Finland. I don´t feel so bad anymore. 2. You have to go to hospital right away when you are back home / I´ll do it. Thank you.

ufoja084

ufoja085

1. Now I’m vomiting gastric acids. I need fluids. / We are approaching the border. The restaurant car is closed. You’ll get something to drink when we are in Finland. / But that’s a couple of hours away. 2. I feel sick. / You have to go back to your seat. We are near border.

ufoja086

1. I feel sick. 2. You have to return to your place! / Now!! / I can´t. / You must!

ufoja087

1. I feel sick. I feel sick. 

ufoja088

2. Passport inspection! / I´m vomiting!

ufoja089

1. This is the first time my passport is inspected while in a toilet.

ufoja0901

ufoja091

2. Thank god.

ufoja092

1. Home at last. 2. No suntan, I see.

MUUKALAINEN VENÄJÄLLÄ (PROLOGI)

March 25, 2009

ufoja071

ALIEN IN RUSSIA. PROLOGUE

ufoja072

1. Health risks, security problems, robberies, assassinations, the mafia, corruption, the arbitrariness… / The militia can take your passport and you won’t get it back without paying. / You can’t trust the Russian people. They have no manners and they are all dishonest. / Everything is miserable in Russia. All the women are prostitutes and everybody is boozing all the time. / In Russia everything is filthy and depressing. Even the television programmes are in gray and brown tones. / Tap water is undrinkable. 2. The GSM lines aren’t secure, your phone calls are being listened to. / You should never answer the phone by stating your name and you should never give your address to anyone. / At the end of a taxi ride, you can find yourself beaten to a pulp, in an alleyway somewhere, without your luggage and things. / If you get sick or have an accident, you should immediately return to Finland and go to a doctor there. In Russia it can be more dangerous to go to a hospital than walk on the street. / St. Petersburg is ranked second most dangerous city in the world after Rio de Janeiro.

ufoja073

1. A friend of a friend told about his friend who had had an opportunity to see the Russian militia in action. / As he walked past a shed on the police station courtyard, the shed started to shake and growling was heard from within. / He was told that inside the shed was a riot dog. It was some sort of mongrel that had been beaten as a pup every time it was fed to make it hate all humans. / In a case of a riot policemen wearing multiple rubber suits took the bloodthirsty hound to the back of a van and drove it where the riot was taking place and turned it loose. The riot was soon over after the dog had mauled the nearest twenty people. / The friend of a friend of a friend asked how the militia got the dog back after it had done it’s job and the answer was brutal. The dog isn’t supposed to be collected afterwards, it is shot when the riot is over. These dogs are disposable. 2. The same person told a story about how the militia handled a hostage situation. / An apartment in a block of flats had been taken over by a group of criminals or terrorist who had several hostages. / The militia arrived and with a rolled-up bundle of paper started shouting up to the apartment that the criminals had only a little time to give up. IT was already on it’s way. Yet no hostages were released and nobody came out. / Soon a tank arrived to the scene. The militia pointed at the window of the flat. The tank aimed at the window and fired. Everybody in the apartment died. / The next day the newspaper reported how the militia had brilliantly solved a difficult hostage situation.

ufoja074

1. I worked for a short while in Russia in the 90’s. Next to our building site there was another site where a Russian team of workers were painting the roof of a big building. They had a couple of sticks nailed together and on top of the sticks they had taped a beard brush. With that contraption they painted the whole roof!! With a beard brush!! / One apartment had a toilet where the toilet bowl was placed so that one had to climb over it to get in. One sat at the bowl with one’s back to the door. The water tank was almost in contact with door when the door was closed. The bowl had been installed backwards, because if it had been there the other way round, the door wouldn’t shut and one sitting on the bowl would be partly sitting outside the toilet. 2. We camped in an old cargo ship. Only cold water came out of the shower and the shower room floor was so filthy you didn’t dare to wash up without putting on a pair of rubber boots.

LEMONHEAD (INTRUS EN FRANCE)

March 25, 2009

ufoja067

 

LEMONHEAD. ALIEN IN FRANCE

ufoja068

ufoja069

ufoja070


INTRUS EN FRANCE

March 25, 2009

ufoja053 ALIEN IN FRANCE

ufoja0541

 

1. Piip!! Piip!! 2. Come to Montreuil book fair. / Ok. I just pack my suitcase.

ufoja0551

1. I’ll also need to clip my toenails and wear an old pair of shoes that don’t abrade my toes or give me blisters. 2. Furthermore, Graterwoman will pull out the hairs that grow between my eyes.

ufoja056

1. Have a good trip, darling. / Remember to be careful.

ufoja057

1. Bye-bye! 2. Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro! / Malboro!

ufoja058

2. So much for luxury. / The single hotel room is tiny. The bedside lamp doesn’t work, so one must get used to the mood lighting created by a single ceiling lamp.

ufoja059

1. The toilet seat is broken. When you sit on it, the seat starts to move around, searching for it’s proper place. Additionally, the wall is so close to the toilet bowl that only a child or a midget could sit on it facing forward. And me of course. A full grown adult could never sit there without turning sideways. 2. It’s a run-down room, but the shower is in praiseworthy condition. The shower nozzle doesn’t just hang limp from the holder on the wall and so going to the shower is an effortless activity. / The room is cold and the blanket on the bed is thin. One must wear a shirt and sweatpants or long johns when sleeping.

ufoja060

1. The room is on the sixth floor and the elevator doesn’t go higher than the fifth. From there you can view the rooftops of the neighboring houses. / The hotel is located on a quiet little street, but not far from the big main streets. You can walk to the center of Paris in half an hour and there’s a metro station hundred meters from the hotel. 2. The noise of the traffic doesn’t reach the hotel room, but the almost constant wailing of an infant next door does. The mother or nanny tries to calm the baby by singing. It sounds rather nice even though the singing isn’t that skillful. / Luckily the infant keeps quiet at night. The crying stops at nine in the evening and starts again around six in the morning. If one is looking for a good nights rest, one should schedule one’s sleeping between nine p.m. and six a.m.

ufoja0611

1. The breakfast is served between seven thirty and nine thirty. One’s food portion is brought to the table. You get a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate. I usually take tea or cocoa. I never drink coffee. / You also get a small container of jelly, a piece of baguette and butter, a croissant and a glass of juice. 2. It is stated with bold lettering on the hotel entrance that the hotel has internet, which means that one can quickly check one’s emails on the old computer at the front desk. / There’s no internet connection in the rooms.

ufoja062

1. Pardon. / The cleaning lady has just barged in without knocking. 2. I memorized the number of my room in French. The concierge always had an unfriendly expression on his face as he handed me my room key after I said  my routine Bonsuur sixty three. / Now as I return to the hotel I say… / Bonsuur. / Bonsoir. / Suasant trua. / Soixante-trois. / Kvii. Mersi. / And the service is fine and friendly.

ufoja063

1.Earlier that day I finally had a glimpse of the mother of the screaming baby in the room next to mine. A young oriental girl wearing a tight gym suit. / And in the metro I saw a man who had attached huge rhubarb leaves on both sides of his cap. On this trip I have also seen, for the fist time in my life, a Jew wearing a black suit, a hat, a beard and long locks of hair hanging beside the ears. 2. Should I also tell you about the elevator? On the first day here when I wanted to go up to my room, I pressed the button next to the elevator that had an arrow pointing upwards. Naturally, I wanted to get upstairs. / There were no signs that the elevator was moving nor did the button light up. I didn’t hear any sounds, but still I imagined that the elevator was coming. What else could have I done? After standing there for a while waiting for the elevator, the doorman ran to my rescue and pressed the button with an arrow pointing down and the elevator came.

ufoja064

1. The French have a bizarre way of doing things just the opposite everybody else does. For example the doors open inwards, which isn’t very practical in case of a fire, and text is printed backwards on the spine of a book. The traffic at least is on the right hand side and Citroen the only car I can imagine myself buying. Of the types of cars I can afford, at least. 

ufoja065

1. Paris is said to be the capital of love. I just can’t see Paris as a romantic place. It’s cold, damp, dirty and noisy. The traffic seems to be on fast forward at all times. Nowhere else can you see couples kissing openly on the street as often as in Paris. / These awkward exhibitions of love seem pretentious to me. People have seen actors loving in Paris or read from books how to fall in love in Paris. / I myself prefer to take my woman against a sturdy pine tree in a forest and bathe afterwards in the cool water of a lake instead of making out on a bridge in the middle of a crowd of tourists.

ufoja066

1. This morning I woke up at six even though the infant next door wasn’t crying. I had become accustomed to waking up at that time every day. / After a while the baby started to sing! 2. I have worn the same pair of underpants for two days. I had planned to do my laundry today so I went to the laundrette next to the hotel, but there was nobody there. An empty room full of washing machines with all the instructions in French only.

UFOJA LAHDESSA 2/4

March 15, 2009

kansi2

ISBN 978-952-67102-2-8 (english translation included)

UFO-KERHO osa 1

March 15, 2009

ufokerho

UnihalvausPaula Ahola

Meillä esiintyy suvussa ns. unihalvausta. Unihalvaus on eräänlainen muuttunut tajunnantila. Tila unen ja valveen välillä. Henki herää mutta ruumis ei. Eräänä yönä heräsin voimakkaaseen läsnäolon tunteeseen. Olin varma että huoneessa oli joku vieras.  Yöpöydällä oli puhelin ja yritin soittaa apua, mutta vaikka selvästi mielessäni liikutin kättäni, fyysinen ruumiini ei totellut. Käsi pysyi peiton alla. Jonkin vieraan läsnäolon tunne voimistui ja samassa alkoi kuulua askelten ääniä. Tunsin jonkin pahan lähestyvän minua. Pelko sisälläni kasvoi samalla kun askeleet lähestyivät. Jokin oli tulossa minua kohti enkä kyennyt tekemään mitään. Mieleni valtasi täydellinen pakokauhu. Tilanne alkoi kuitenkin pikkuhiljaa laueta ja pystyin vähitellen liikkumaan ja kääntämään päätäni ja näkemään ympärilleni. Huoneessa ei ollut ketään eikä minulla ollut hätää.

Veljelläni on ollut vastaava kokemus mutta hurjempi. Tapaus sattui pian hänen muutettua uuteen asuntoon. Asunnos-sa oli makuuhuoneessa runkopatja seinän vieressä. Veli nukkui kyljellään kasvot seinää kohden. Eräänä yönä hän havahtui unesta. Veljen keho oli jähmettynyt paikalleen, eikä hän pystynyt liikkumaan mutta aisti selvästi jonkin läsnäolon. Alkoi kuulua askelia. Askeltava hahmo lähestyi ovelta päin ja oli pian sängyn vieressä ja alkoi painelemaan patjaa eri puolilta sänkyä. Veli oli suunniltaan kauhusta. Jokin heilut-ti sänkyä, eikä hän voinut kuin maata paikallaan. Hän kuuli huohottavan hengityksen ja halusi kääntyä katsomaan mitä tapahtui mutta ei kyennyt liikkumaan. Hän sanoi halunneensa huutaa pelosta mutta äänihuulet eivät toimineet. Vain hänen mielensä huusi. 

Lisää hurjia tarinoita päivittyy sivuille lähiaikoina.

 

The UFO club

Amazing! Fantastic! Super! The inevitable has now happened. The UFO club has become reality. This has been anticipated by many with great interest. If you are looking for a boring time, do not read the reports on the following pages! Henceforth we’ll publish UFO reports and encounters with the paranormal on these club pages in every issue. Without further ado, let’s get on with -it.
 

Sleep paralysisPaula Ahola

A sort of sleep paralysis runs in our family. It’s an altered state of consciousness between being asleep and being awake. The spirit wakes up but the body doesn’t. One night I awoke to a powerful feeling of a presence. I was certain that someone unfamiliar to me was in the room. I tried to reach the phone on the bedside table, but even though I moved my hand in my mind, my physical body didn’t react. My hand remained motionless under the covers. My feeling of something unfamiliar being present intensified still and at the same time I heard footsteps. I felt something evil approaching me. My fear grew and grew as the footsteps came nearer and nearer. Something was coming towards me and I could do nothing. I was stricken with panic. The situation began to ease off and slowly I regained my ability to move. I could turn my head and look around. There was nobody in the room and I was alright.

My brother has had a similar experience, just more extreme. It happened shortly after he had moved into a new apartment. The apartment had a spring bed next to the wall. He slept there on his side, his face to the wall. One night he woke up and noticed he wasn’t able to move his body. In his frozen state he sensed a presence in the room. Then he heard footsteps. Something was approaching him from the door and soon that something was beside the bed and began pressing the mattress around the bed. My brother was distraught with terror. Something was shaking the bed and all he could do was lie still. He heard heavy breathing and wanted to turn around but couldn’t. He told me that he wanted to cry out of fear, but his vocal cords didn’t work. Only his mind was screaming.

More stories soon!!

 

Omia tarinoita voi lähettää Daadan sähköpostiin (daadabooks @ phnet.fi). 

You can send your own stories to Daada´s e-mail (daadabooks @ phnet.fi).

MUUKALAINEN LEHDENJAKAJANA

March 15, 2009

ufoja044

DOING THE ROUNDS

ufoja045

1. After the first night I dreamt only of delivering papers. In the dream I had to raise a flag up a pole in front of a house as a sign that the paper had been delivered. The hook for the flag was in the middle of the pole, so I had to climb a ladder to attach the flag string to the hook. / The first night I started my delivery rounds from this house. I somehow managed to turn the key in a way that it broke inside the lock and I had to go get a new one from the night duty officer.

ufoja046

1. At this crossroads I was passed by three rabbits. 2. From that stairway I heard a woman crying out. First I thought she was in some sort of predicament, but soon the sound became a rhythmic moaning.

ufoja047

1. That gate over there is usually shut. One night though, it was open. On the asphalt lay an unlocked bicycle and on the stairs was a puddle of vomit. There was vomit inside the stairway as well.

ufoja048

1. Every sunday someone came and stole the newspaper from that doorway over there. The mail slot is so big you can easily stick your hand through it.

ufoja049

1. One time as I was coming down that stairway over there, a door to an apartment was wide open on the third floor. There was no movement to be seen in the lightless flat and no sounds to be heard either. It was as if instead of a door, there was a black hole on the wall leading to another dimension. This strange experience was in it’s own way pretty scary.

ufoja050

1. Here a bearded man was chasing two younger fellows with a knife. 2. There, just around the corner, a man climbed in my car and just sat on the front seat. I did my rounds by car, you see. He wanted a lift home. After I had declined, he asked for money. I refused to give him any, but offered a leftover copy of Helsingin Sanomat instead. He wasn’t interested in the paper.

ufoja051

1. After two weeks of work I remembered by name every person I delivered newspapers to. Where they lived and what newspapers they subscibed to. Hundreds of names and addresses! I could also identify by looks only every key on my bundle of keys which consisted of tens of different keys to different houses. I couldn’t help but wonder how much useful information all this useless data had overriden in my brain. / The people I met in the night time where usually somewhat amused by the fact that they got home the same time the newspaper was delivered. Many of them came to chat with me and bid me good night. When I walk on the street by day, nobody ever comes to me and bids me good day.

ufoja052

1. I became a paperboy because we needed extra income. The pay wasn’t good, but it was better than nothing. I also imagined that I would experience adventures of which many amusing tales could be told afterwards. It was nothing like that. No adventures where forthcoming and I knew right after the first night of touring empty stairways that after my employment contract had expired, I would not continue on the job.